Thursday, July 14, 2005

Because I'm Pretty?

A while back we had a waitress I'll call Sue. Initially she seemed like a good worker, but, after a few weeks, her true work ethic became glaringly apparent. Unwilling to work her way up the totem pole, she felt she was entitled to the best shifts, always came late, did minimal side work, and somehow managed to leave before everyone else. But when Sue was on the floor she made a bundle in tips. Why?

Sue was twenty-two and drop dead gorgeous.

I'm not talking run of the mill cute. Sue was Playboy Bunny/pornstar/supermodel amazing looking. Her sex appeal was a living breathing palpable force. Ernesto, one of the sous chefs, turned into a quivering lump of guacamole whenever she entered the kitchen. Sue could transform grown men into eager to please little boys and subdue women into awestruck silence. Well aware of her "assets," Sue used them to the utmost.

One day during the summer, at the start of the shift, Sue comes up to me.

"Can I leave early tonight?"

"Why?" I ask warily.

"Because I'm going to the shore with (Insert rich guys name here) and he wants to get there by 10pm," Sue explains.

"We're busy tonight. I'll probably need you," I say.

"But he really wants to pick me up early."

"Good for him," I snort.

"Please," Sue pouts.

"We'll see."

Sue puts her purse on the table. "But I've already packed my bag," she says with a mischievous smile.

"You put all your stuff in that thing?" I ask in amazement.

Sue reaches into her bag and pulls out an electric blue bikini, a slinky one piece miniskirt, a thong, and a pair of high heels.

"You see I'm all ready to go," she whispers slyly.

Goddamn. This girl packed all her stuff into a small purse. I'm not immune to Sue's charms. The thought of her in that bikini gets my mind racing. But then again that's exactly the effect she was going for.

"Talk to me later," I say excusing myself. I need a cold shower.

The night is, of course, crazy busy. Sue works the floor and makes a ton of cash. Around nine o'clock she comes up to me again.

"My boyfriend's outside. Can you finish up my last table so I can go?"

I look out the window. Her "boyfriend" is in his forties and drives a Porsche.

I glance at my watch. Truth be told, the other waiters are hungry for cash and wouldn't mind picking up her slack. I have no reason to keep her here.

"What's going on with your last table?" I ask.

"Oh it's a bunch of guys. They're almost finished." Sue says.

"Ok you can go."

Sue happily runs downstairs to change. I go over to the POS computer. The check on Sue's last table is $300. I transfer it to my number.

When Sue returns she's in her miniskirt and high heels. The effect is stunning.

"Well have a nice time," I say appreciatively.

"Thanks," she replies, "You can give me that table's tip the next time I see you."


"I'm sorry what did you say?" I ask dumbfounded.

"You can give me the tip from those guys on Monday." she clarifies.

"Uh – no."

"What?" Sue stammers in disbelief.

"If you leave early the tip's mine," I tell her.

"But those guys are gonna leave me a big tip." Sue protests.

"Thanks for the money," I reply, "Appreciate it."

"You can't do that," Sue exclaims.

"Nothing in this world's free darling."


I hold out my hands like a scale and weigh out her options. "Boyfriend or money?" I tease.

Sue's face flushes a deep red.

"Money or boyfriend? I say moving my hands up and down. I start to hum the tune from Jeopardy. I know, I know – I can be a real prick sometimes.

The boyfriend impatiently raps on the window and points at his watch.

Sue pulls on her lower lip. Looking at me seductively she says, "You're just kidding. I know you'll give me the tip."

I cross my arms and stare into her big blue eyes.

"Why on earth should I let you leave early and still give you the tip from that table?" I ask.

Sue thinks about that for a moment. She's struggles to find an answer. Finally she says,

"Because I'm pretty?"

I can hear Betty Friedan rolling in her grave. I laugh out loud.

"You've got to be shitting me."

Sue's face hardens into a brittle mask. Suddenly she's not pretty anymore.

"I'll tell Fluvio you're stealing my tips," she hisses.

"Fluvio will give me your tip himself," I shoot back.

'That's not fair," she yelps.

"Life's not fair babe."

"And I thought you were a nice guy," she says.

"You shouldn't confuse being a nice with being a tool."

"I can't believe your taking my money," she stammers.

"Sue, to be honest, I'm tired of your bullshit," I say, "and your social life is your problem."

Sue storms out.

I finish Sue's table. The guys leave her, or rather me, $100.

"Make sure the girl gets that," one of the men burbles.

"But of course sir," I say slipping the C Note into my pocket.

After the work the staff pile into a bar for drinks. Thanks to Sue's largesse the drinks are on her. I explain to Fluvio what happened.

"If she asks me for that tip she's in for big surprise," he says.

"She's cute but she's a pain in the ass," I say sipping my beer.

"She's never happy with her schedule," Fluvio ruminates.

"Since she's so busy at night why don't you assign her to lunch shifts?" I ask.

Fluvio smiles. Lunch shifts are a waiter's death sentence.

"Permanently," I add.

"I think I will" Fluvio agrees. We toast each other.

Sue quit the next week. Ernesto was miserable.

Whether you're a boy or a girl – looks can only take you so far.

And I am not a tool.

Right on, brother! Where's the big thumbs up for that one? Geez, yup, that's so true. People thinking their looks/smarts/muscle can get them somewhere. Good on you for not being a tool to this girl. She's learned a lesson and probably calls you a prick to her friends but so what? You deserved that tip and those drinks. I'd have done the same thing.
Way to go! :D
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Rock on! :]
Strike a blow for those ladies among us who are percieved by the ignorant as 'past their sell-by-date' (as I was told by a co-worker today...) he will get out of hospital sometime soon.....haha
Just completed my expense report from a recent trip and thought you should know that on several occasions I tipped over 30% and I'd like to say I was thinking of you, but I think I must have been wasted.
Big fan of your blog...first post here. This story just made my day.
hahahah i'm a girl but i hate girls like "sue". you're one biatch and this one deserved it! way to go!
WOW! shocking thing is her actually admitting it. XD you're okay, waiter.
HA, I loved that. I definatley know and abhor the type. Having most of my friends working in food & bev, I can totally appreciate your site. Great writing.
You told someone the truth about life AND managed to pocket a $100 while you were at it. Fair play to you, mate!
I love it when the pretty ones show the demon inside! Admittedly, I like to watch when they figure out that someone has their number and realize that beauty will only get them so far. Too bad it gets them that far at all.....
I think I am right there with everyone else when I say...Thank You for doing that. People like that need to be put in their place...
My gut tells me that there's real trouble bubbling away beneath the surface with this woman.

If she's using allure and perhaps even sex to obtain material gain, then she's not the kind of person anyone is likely to want to hang out with for long.

Bet you a nickel she was abused, at a very young age, perhaps before she developed language skills. And I'll bet a lot more that therapy would never be one of her considerations, not that it would help much.

She'll either "use" her way to the top, or not.

You were spot-on in your dealings with her. And for sharing the tip on drinks for your co-workers: way cool.
"because im pretty." hahaha.. she's a comedian.

you should have answered:

"I'm taking your tip because your boyfriend drives a porsche. she'll tip you good and im sure you'll do him a good servicing."

im sooooo evil.
LOL Way to go...its girls like her that make the scorned men hate us all! LOL
You're a better man than I am, thats all Im gonna say! : )
thank you!!!

too bad there aren't more men like you in the world. maybe we should clone you!
Great story!
Tool, heh, heh....I do believe you were weilding the hammer, sir.

She coulda used even more vicious of a comeback, you do well waiter, in the most tempting circumstances.

Hope the beverages were adult in nature, cold, and Oh, so damn good!

I can't believe she thought she would get to keep that tip.
And its so much fun as a girl to work with girls like that. Soo much fun...
That's awsome!!! You made my day:)
It's sad when the pretty ones get older and can no longer get by on their looks. If they haven't wised up by then, (some do and some don't) when they reach a point when batting their eyes no longer gives them the world on a platter, the often have now idea how to get by in life if they haven't married their suggar daddy.
absoulutely hilarious, your life should be a sitcom. i hate to break it to you though, betty fridan's not dead.
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